middling ground

Endings are elusive. Middles are nowhere to be found.

But worst of all is to begin, to begin, to begin.

:Donald Barthelme:

I discovered a new word today: middling. A new word to go with new ways of thinking things. How apt, indeed.

Barthelme said it best, that the worst of all is to begin, though I disagree that endings are elusive. While he may be pertaining to writing (fiction), in life, endings are set in their constancy, that one dependable. Sometimes, we look for these endings because we need it. At times, it just happens, even when we don’t want it. Trust me though, when I say that endings happen because they should. As with change, endings are there for the taking, for when things are ripe for the picking, for when lessons are ready to be learned and chances are what we actually take and not what we just panic, over-analyze about.
The worst of all is to begin- to start that change, to think new thinks. To begin, one must start with a clean slate (or is it just me being OC?) Spring cleaning and weeding out all the dust bunnies in your life, people who have horribly taken on that quality of bringing nothing but stress-induced wheeze attacks and ugliness. Metaphorically. Or not.

I love new beginnings. And never mind if new+beginnings is redundant, such as no one has ever had an old beginning. From everyone’s New Year, to the Chinese Kung Hei Fat Choi, to my birthday, to spring/Easter (which usually happens in April, and for this year we’ve had early this March), I relish starting over, again and again. And while I believe in second chances, I believe in being fair, honest and respectful towards myself. Such as, learning to love yourself enough, to say when is actually…enough.

To begin, one must go through a filtering process of hearing the truth and changing your beliefs. Of waiting with bated breath while the universe deals you that one-two-punch in the gut and you just have to suck it up, man. Because no matter how painful, truly, as in the years gone by, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

I must be a sadist then. Because new beginnings means pulling out the weeds, the process is all too often painful. It forces you to get down on your knees, getting your hands dirty, and opening a whole can of worms. One discovers untruths disguised as concern, one-sided friendships and relationships based on illusions (of adoration, the other party for most part). No, I haven’t gone gardening and good God, I have no green thumb to speak of. But one realizes that after all the weeding and raking of dead leaves, you find that veritable patch of sunshine. And once in awhile, a good bunch of lovely tulips.

That for me is a happy ending, all too often preceded by strange beginnings, all while creating middles grand enough to warrant…another ending.

Ah well, Happy Easter little ones. Don’t eat all the chocolate bunnies.