what i would say

you kind of

took away my dream

but i have lots

and i kind of

hate you for it

but i won’t

i’m kind of

alright now

yeah, i really am

obama, frankl and me

I usually don't write/react/care much about politics. In grade school, I used to dream of being a lawyer/senator and my highlight of a grade school trip was entering the senate hall and getting the grand tour. I loved the smell, the aura of greatness and the power I imagined people wielded, to be able to change the country.

Sheesh, I was a naive little girl then.

Well, other things and events have shaped me since then and I’ve been averse to anything political- especially ours.

I blogged about The Audacity of Hope sometime back, in relation to a news item of a child gone mad enough to take her own life. I didn’t realize that the phrase audacity of hope which I just glanced upon in a BusinessWorld headline actually came from a book of the same title by the newest political celebrity, Obama. He’s quite becoming the poster boy for positivism. What I’m glad about though is that his (positivity) is the sort that hinges on action, and not the wide-eyed Pollyanna.

In his speech addressing the Democratic National Convention in 2004, Obama said: “In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? John Kerry calls on us to hope. John Edwards calls on us to hope. I'm not talking about blind optimism here -- the almost willful ignorance that thinks unemployment will go away if we just don't talk about it, or the health care crisis will solve itself if we just ignore it. No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope!” Thank you, wiki.

Well. Mahal ko na siya.

I don’t care that his book (of the same title) is reviewed as more of a political document, highlighting speeches and his platform for campaigns. And I also wish I could say something about Pinoy politics, but damn, it’s so dirty and convoluted, I don’t even want to start. Except that…is there no place for hope-fools like Obama in the Philippines? In a place where most talents opt to leave the country for a better life, can we afford hope?

If hoping is for fools, then I pray we be all fools for clinging on such old-fashioned values such as being strong and honorable. Getting down, sucking it up and getting to work because, by God, we all need to get our acts together, as a nation and what the heck- it’s Earth Hour today, as citizens of the world. Apathy is disgusting. Playing victim is so last season. Doing every bit in looking for solutions is part of that actionable hope. In a word, proactive.

[The word proactive pala, I remember is a term by psychiatrist Victor Frankl in his book Man’s Search for Meaning- a book based on his experience in Nazi concentration camps where he lost his wife, mother, father and family. Kaloka, ka-depress this book, but so rich in life lessons. Proactive was more popularized via Covey’s Seven Habits]

bday by yeats

On my birthday early this month, a friend asked me what my wish was. I never seriously thought about it because I stopped believing in my birthdays some time ago. But really thinking hard and reading through some of my stuff, I came across this poem:

W.B. Yeats: How many loved your moments of glad grace/and loved your beauty with love false or true/but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you/and loved the sorrows of your changing face.

Happy be-day fellow fishies.

Don’t ever trade magic for trickery.

Know that your heart will not steer you wrong.

middling ground

Endings are elusive. Middles are nowhere to be found.

But worst of all is to begin, to begin, to begin.

:Donald Barthelme:

I discovered a new word today: middling. A new word to go with new ways of thinking things. How apt, indeed.

Barthelme said it best, that the worst of all is to begin, though I disagree that endings are elusive. While he may be pertaining to writing (fiction), in life, endings are set in their constancy, that one dependable. Sometimes, we look for these endings because we need it. At times, it just happens, even when we don’t want it. Trust me though, when I say that endings happen because they should. As with change, endings are there for the taking, for when things are ripe for the picking, for when lessons are ready to be learned and chances are what we actually take and not what we just panic, over-analyze about.
The worst of all is to begin- to start that change, to think new thinks. To begin, one must start with a clean slate (or is it just me being OC?) Spring cleaning and weeding out all the dust bunnies in your life, people who have horribly taken on that quality of bringing nothing but stress-induced wheeze attacks and ugliness. Metaphorically. Or not.

I love new beginnings. And never mind if new+beginnings is redundant, such as no one has ever had an old beginning. From everyone’s New Year, to the Chinese Kung Hei Fat Choi, to my birthday, to spring/Easter (which usually happens in April, and for this year we’ve had early this March), I relish starting over, again and again. And while I believe in second chances, I believe in being fair, honest and respectful towards myself. Such as, learning to love yourself enough, to say when is actually…enough.

To begin, one must go through a filtering process of hearing the truth and changing your beliefs. Of waiting with bated breath while the universe deals you that one-two-punch in the gut and you just have to suck it up, man. Because no matter how painful, truly, as in the years gone by, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.

I must be a sadist then. Because new beginnings means pulling out the weeds, the process is all too often painful. It forces you to get down on your knees, getting your hands dirty, and opening a whole can of worms. One discovers untruths disguised as concern, one-sided friendships and relationships based on illusions (of adoration, the other party for most part). No, I haven’t gone gardening and good God, I have no green thumb to speak of. But one realizes that after all the weeding and raking of dead leaves, you find that veritable patch of sunshine. And once in awhile, a good bunch of lovely tulips.

That for me is a happy ending, all too often preceded by strange beginnings, all while creating middles grand enough to warrant…another ending.

Ah well, Happy Easter little ones. Don’t eat all the chocolate bunnies.

happy thoughts

randomly speaking:

à Gymrat career. Running is the best.

à Rediscovering swimming. Still not particularly great at it, but a vast improvement. I do get to the other side of the pool now! True to my nature, I am most content at the pool after a long day at work.

à Bubble wrap. Seriously. When was the last time you popped those cheap wonders?

à Peppermint milk tea. Lots of it, my exclusive recipe.

à New shoes. 3 ½ inch-stilettos. Quite an achievement, actually. Didn’t think I’d be able to do it, but I survived a 15-hour workday in it. Breaking in new shoes is a lot like test-driving a car.

à SeaAir’s Adventure Pass. How great is this? A pass for 45 days to any island destination of your choice (where they have their routes- Boracay, El Nido, Camiguin, etc). Say it with me- I need my vacation days now!

à And of vacations. Discover Eskaya, in Bohol. Ok, yeah I know, dude, I need to get to Bohol, shame on me.

à M&Ms Dark Chocolate. In purple packaging, with preppy-classic m print and a tiny “dark” script below. Yeah, in case you miss the one emblazoned on the front. Between M&Ms Dark and Snickers Dark, it’s the ms for me; Snickers has a lot going on, what with the nuts and nougat. Rather takes away the dark chocolate experience.

à Speaking of. You can never go wrong with a white chocolate martini in rich, dark Belgian chocolate coating. Shaken, not stirred. Guys, forget wining and dining. If you must do a date right, it is this. And juicy olives on an otherwise boring spaghetti. ;)

(I remember Chef Billy King. At a Children’s Hour luncheon sometime in December last year, my colleagues and I were raving over his dessert, and much to our embarrassment, he noticed how we were so enjoying it. He quipped, Enjoying your dessert, ladies? You can never go wrong with strawberries and cream, can you?” All in that lovely accent of his. Hello. Take me to a genteel, gorgeous man who cooks, is well-read, tapos ang usapan. Hmmm. Accents are a plus. Not bisaya ha.)

Nothing wrong with local accents, but I meant to illustrate how sexy European accents are.

life as poetry

I miss doing a lot of things, and I realized that I haven’t read and written poetry in a long time. When I was in school (a good long time ago), I used to be able to pen down my thoughts in different poetic forms- even if I didn’t consciously go out and do measure, metric, etc. etc. (I hate being boxed in technical constraints). I’d write on edges of my books, tissue paper in cafes, old notebooks, old menu cards.

So I’m going back to one of my first loves and will be featuring here some of my favorite lines and some of my own too, if I can ;-)

Spring

Song, from Act V, Scene 2 of Love’s Labors Lost by William Shakespeare (1598)

When daisies pied, and violets blue,
And lady-smocks all silver-white,
And cuckoo-buds of yellow hue
Do paint the meadows with delight,
The cuckoo then, on every tree,
Mocks married men, for thus sings he:
“Cuckoo!
Cuckoo, cuckoo!” O word of fear,
Unpleasing to a married ear.

When shepherds pipe on oaten straws,
And merry larks are ploughmen’s clocks,
When turtles tread, and rooks, and daws,
And maidens bleach their summer smocks,
The cuckoo then, on every tree,
Mocks married men, for thus sings he:
“Cuckoo!
Cuckoo, cuckoo!” O word of fear,
Unpleasing to a married ear.

Stranger Than Fiction

As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes, when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy, in hopelessness and tragedy, we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies. And, fortunately, when there aren't any cookies, we can still find reassurance in a familiar hand on our skin, or a kind and loving gesture, or subtle encouragement, or a loving embrace, or an offer of comfort, not to mention hospital gurneys and nose plugs, an uneaten Danish, soft-spoken secrets, and Fender Stratocasters, and maybe the occasional piece of fiction. And we must remember that all these things, the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true. And, so it was, a wristwatch saved Harold Crick. (Kay Eiffel, Stranger Than Fiction)

si mareng freida

from www.postsecret.com

seer says

My heart's current state (or color): blue. Hmm... sana kahit green or purple. Apparently, my heart's in a state of blue because "you haven't found what you're looking for, in a man. you keep on searching but you haven't found him yet." But I like green. Or purple.

Anyhoo, it draws up a whole lot of other questions now, does it?

He's kind of right on this one, but I would like to think it's a nicer shade of blue now that I've clarified a whole lot of issues and so ready for newer, grander things. And to answer My's Ms.Coors question, the state of my heart is not quite full-on happy, but kilig happy. I have gotten my positive groove back again and it feels great- even if I am alone, I am truly not lonely. A talk with another friend validated my thoughts again as I turned to him, in the middle of noisy and smoky bar (of all places), You know, I realized that you really have to learn how to be happy alone- otherwise, how else can you be happy even if you’re with someone?

Now, this isn’t some eureka moment; rather a realization that dawned unto me as I am actually living my life the way I want to. There are so many things to do, to hope for and even if at times I would want to be with someone, friends fill in the gaps very nicely. Besides, I do go out with people, and it’s so refreshing not to force anything- that all-important spark, especially. (Believe me, been there, done that. When the guy’s really great as a person, great on paper, when everything seems to be right, but… it’s not. That’s when Meralco posts have more spark in them.) Isn’t it just so lovely to have the freedom to choose? Then again, you don’t choose love, I’d like to think that it creeps up on you unexpectedly. Hmm very ironic and I don’t think am making much sense here. When did the topic of love ever get uncomplicated? I think Tagore said it best, of love, when it is but an Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.

The seer also said that Fire is my element, which is in conflict with my being a Pisces. Then he explains that it says a lot about my being passionate and impetuous. Right. That gets me into trouble every time. My cousin and I were talking about compatibility issues one night and we both theorized that my Pisces self needs a Taurus to anchor my flighty and head-in-the-clouds self. Hmm. Thinking back, maybe we were on to something there. Wish it could be that easy.

At the start of the year, I encouraged myself to be more open, to let more people in my life by way of trusting wisely and nurturing relationships. True, people have also disappointed and hurt me (a lot!) but that does not mean that I harbor regrets and grudges. The greatest, most difficult part here is to rise above the pettiness.

.

Been a long couple of weeks and I was looking through all my drafts, editing and deciding which ones to post.

I just opened (one of) my workbags and I fished out this pack of crackers given as promotional items from one of our clients. Being my mababaw self, this totally, erm...cracked me up. Hehe.

Presenting the text in the said packet: (Preferably read out loud, with feelings, ala-VO na kinareer.)

Open the pack, its rich fragrance shall make the last but a lasting impression on you. The delicious taste and crisp quality can't help you but having it bite by bite, truly, it's worth tasting!

Such of these serial nice cakes of (brand) different delicious tastes shall meet your appetite, the kind or piece each is full of aroma and finess, welcome to taste it and compare it with the others, all of the cake are under a strict quality control for serving your taste, kindly give us your advice by consumer teleline or by mail for our betterment, thanks.

Dude. No typos, its all them. Haha, hanep na crackers ito.