my song of late

I wish I could change
I wish I could change
I wish I could stop
Sayin the same old things
I wish I could be
Who you want me to be
I wish I could stop
Being the same old me
I wish I could lose
All of my blues
I wish I could stop
Puttin my blues on you
I wish I could love
Like nobody loves
I wish that my goods
Outweighed my bads enough
Theres no way
Theres no way
Theres no wayI can get back that girl (erm, guy!)
Cause I'm too complicated
And she's (he's) not complicated

:complicated, robin thicke:

current addictions

1- sleep. can't get enough of it, it seems.
2- coffee. yummiest when given as a surprise on my desk every morning. especially vietnamese beans. or kafe vinta.
3-naan bread, curried or cheese, from bread talk. overpriced bread, i know, it's just bread but i can't find naan anywhere else! come to think of it, lately I've been into...
4-thai, singaporean, indian or mediterranean cuisine. go figure.
5-spaaaaah. and all things feel-good-look-good wonders. just went in for a sea salt body scrub and chocolate cream massage yesterday. yummmmeeee...
6-ellen. the show, hosting in AI and the Oscar's, but i also love her humor and kindness! does that make me gay? heeh.
7-aviator shades. bug-eye shades. i'll make daya and include all well-loved vintage necklaces, cocktail rings, earrings, scarves, and all things kikay. love, love anything vintage-y. would love to have someone ship me stuff from forever 21.
8-ukay! how can one ever explain the joy and wonder, the highs and lows of finding that perfect ukay treasure? well i've unearthed lots and i have yet to describe that feeling. in other words, go do your own hunt and you'll never look like everybody else!
9-coffee sunblock. and other various bath and body concoctions. in my shower caddy, i have 3 shampoos/conditioners, 2 body washes, 2 bars of soaps, 2 facial washes... and 2 toothbrushes. such a shower junkie this girl.
10-my hair. after making peace with it and loving my curls, i just love it. it's healthy and non-processed and looks best after not doing anything to it. how effortless is that? :)

and of course, how else can i not be addicted to a gorgeous guy who actually reads?

shout out to cebu people!

Well, I don't know who actually reads this blog, from Cebu, but here's where we're gonna be-
June 8
Clark > Ceb noontime flight
check in C’est La Vie
visit Basilica
Magellan’s Cross
Fort Santiago
dinner @ Mooon Café with ex-GABCer’s
June 9
early morning to Kawasan, stay until next day
June 10
Kawasan to Cebu
check in C’est La Vie
lunch at Sunburst
pm itinerary:
Taoist Temple
Tops
Bars of Cebu
June 11
check in Waterfront
Beaches of Mactan, snorkeling
CNT lechon
Dinner with other friends
June 12
check in Waterfront
Spa
Waterfront dinner buffet
June 13
sad day :( heeh... back to the grind

so, if you're somewhere around there, you know what number to call!

shh... don't tell, but I was so excited about the trip, woke up this morning thinking my flight's tomorrow! pffsh. c'mon, bust out the trolley! :D

ps- note to self: thou shall not feel guilty for going on a vacation.

with the girls

went out for pizza-pasta dinner with the girls, at the newly opened trinoma. we couldn't get really good pictures at the nice garden facade area as it was raining. the night was worth a lot of laughs though, even if the birthday girl had to be on the phone for a bit for travel booking stuff. oh well, all in a day's work, right?

here's annapot with her quintessential koreanovela pose. gustong magpa-adopt.

musing musing...

• There is strength in struggle.
• Be grateful for the confusion brought on by choices. Be thankful you still have the freedom to actually choose.
• Is there chance in choice?
• What if your dreams take you a lifetime?
• :From HBS, Glenn Mangurian: You can’t know what will happen tomorrow- and it’s better that way. You can’t control what happens, just how you respond. Adversity distorts reality but crystallizes the truth. Loss amplifies the value of what remains. It’s easier to create new dreams than to cling to broken ones. Your happiness is more important than righting injustices.

a couple of great reasons to get Lost

The bad-ass boy and the do-gooder doc.

on Joshua Lee Holloway:

When Josh went in to audition for the part of Sawyer on Lost, the producers weren't sure if he was right for the part. However, in the course of reading his lines, he blanked, and in frustration and anger, kicked a chair across the room. He was later offered the part, the incident actually having helped him.

on Matthew Fox:

"I enjoy skinny-dipping, because I'm comfortable in the nude. When I was a kid there wasn't a huge delineation in our family between having clothes on or not having clothes on. And the reason I have so much fun doing it now is people are so shocked by it, and like, 'Oh my God, Fox just took his clothes off!' But I mean, just how long ago was it that we were all wandering around in loin cloths? "

C'mon! Ms. U question for the day- If you were stranded on an island far, far away, who will you be with?

Not Shrek, for sure!

Choosy, choosy!

Oh waits. Who says I have to choose? :-)

can i just live here? please?

Check out Kemang Icon in Indonesia.

What's cool pa is that you can actually use their rooms as inspiration for your own pad's decor. Mygas, I can't wait to get my own place.

STILL summer, baby!

Forever the OC-one, I have organized our upcoming trip in an Excel file with details. Eh ano naman ung version ko, with matching details on what to wear for each day- until I realized, heck, it’s all gonna be about tank tops, swim wear and shorts, baby! Woohoo!
Thou shall not mix business with pleasure!
Still…a look at my to-bring/to-do list:
1- cowboy hat?
2- green army bag or black bayo bag?
3- sneakers or just slippers?

4- create playlist!
Choosy, choosy!

Can't wait to breathe in fresh air, the salty-sweet sea water on my lips and the occasional snort of water up my nose when I snorkel, see the sights with a fresh perspective, visit old haunts and discovering new ones. Can't wait to climb up and trek through the Lost-inspired (sorry, na-addict :P) jungle and getting up to the falls. Last time I was there, was the year Rico Yan died, egads.

Nooneenoo... counting down...

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be-
a line from St.Theresa’s Prayer

When things go whack and unbearably confusing, when I crane my neck out and try to look for the answers, dry my ducts out of tears, for the whys and the reasons, I am calmed by these words from a favorite prayer by St. Theresa. That seems to be the only answer I need and I’m happy to say, my faith is exactly where I left it. This is what makes me still the bright-eyed, hope-for-the-best person that I know. This way, I can leap, fall and still be safe.

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.

:Anais Nin:

oxymoronic

...and then he says: you do know he's an amateur player...

me says: sweetie, it does take one to know one, you know. and what, compared to you?

thought balloon 1: then what the hell are we doing?

silence.

thought balloon 2: you've had your chance. you know i can't do uncertainty.

hay salamat, for now

He made me laugh
He made me cry
He smoked his doggies in bed
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before
I asked the boy for a few kind words
He gave me a novel instead
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before
It's fine, it's OK
It was wrong either way
I just wanted to say
There isn't much fun when you're drinking wine
He got drunk, he fell down
He threw a few of my things around
But I'm all right, I'm all right
I've been lonely before
I'd like to believe healthy cigarettes
But I have to conceive that wherever you are
You're still driving my car
Sticks and stones break my bones
But tears don't leave any scars
So I'm all alright, I'm all alright
I've been lonely before
He played solitaire in bed
Used to blow bubbles in bed
He sang Christmas songs in bed
:Madeleine Peyroux - I'm All Right:

bits of fragmented thoughts

It can be as uncomplicated as a sudden downpour of rain. Or it could be as agonizing as the birthing of a butterfly. Whichever way it chooses to become known, it is always with an abrupt violence, the urgency of passion. It thinks nothing as it consumes a person.

If permanence is a delusion, what are we scrambling for? I’ve never been comfortable in anything that reeks of indecision- it has always been black and white for me, ironic for someone who loves colors. My passionate nature tells me not to settle for anything in between. It has always been this way or that for me, all the way, all the time. It’s either you do, or you don’t.
But, I’ve grown up- I think. I learned that sometimes, one has to just enjoy what you are gifted with, right now.

A wise man once said- forget about needing to know the future. Well, I don’t. I just want to know what is my right now and have a smidgen of happiness with that, than know the future.

the biggest surprise

Some surprises can be good, the kind that takes your breath away, that illicits giggles and totally stupid laughter that somehow still makes sense. The kind that still makes you smile even years after. The kind I wish for everyone.

And then there are those that still take you unawares, that take your breath away- no- the kind that robs away your ability to breathe and function. The kind that doesn't let you go back to the way you were, no matter how you thought you were alright. The kind of chance happenstance that you aren't prepared for, no matter how you thought you had it all played out in your mind.

And I thought I was ready, I thought I was ok. And how mundane things like planning for my simple weekend and it's eventual screw up in a happy, giddy and yet scary way has now made me truly paralyzed with fear.

They say that failure and history repeats itself when one has not learned it's lesson yet. Have I not learned anything, at all?

I was ok, dammnit. Maybe not spectacularly well, given the circumstances, but surviving. I had something to do, something to hope for. But now. I don't know, once again. Maybe I haven't learned anything, after all. I just find it sadly unfair, since that I believe everything happens for a reason. I find it unfair how one is given a bit of taste of the happiness pie and then to have it suddenly snatched away from you (I think). Well, annapots said it best-chocolate wisdom at work:

anna_p: feeling ko, ur missing the feeling.... parang chocolate lang yan.. pag mejo matagal ka ng hindi nakakakain, nagc-crave ka. pag sinabi kong bibigyan kita tapos hindi natuloy, pinalaway lang kita. ang pinagkaiba lang eh, my chocolate will only excite your sense of taste while likeable beings/guys will excite your feelings.... and whether we like it or not, mas mahirap if feelings na pinaguusapan...

indigo_skies03: leche. penge nalang nga ng chocolate!

And now I'm not sure how to be the me before. Am not sure if I want to be.

and in other news...

Really, inspite of all this excitement, there's another one coming, a real-deal, true-blue vacation. Cebu, my other home, here I come. One sure thing I need to do is to go visit the Basilica, light up some candles and say a prayer (or two).

And oh, maybe look up at the portrait of that cute bishop somewhere along the hallways. I remember doing that in high school and college.

On the itinerary: a trip to Kawasan, do the beach rounds with lots of snorkeling, shopping, and sating the taste buds, with side trips to the spa. All these and more, when we return...stay tuned!

i am so screwed...

“Studies show that attachment and feeling of closeness are essential to survival,” says Steven Dubovsky, professor of psychiatry and medicine at the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center. “Mutually supportive interaction helps regulate your own physiology; when we have love in our lives, we get sick less frequently, we recover more quickly from illness. In other words, we need affection to be healthy human beings. It’s really a basic need, like water and food.”

waits lang nga eh...

Knowing love the way I do
I can say for certain that it's true
There's a chance for me and you
I surely feel like the time is near
The picture in my mind is very clear
I think love has brought us here
I remember not too long ago
I was just a lonely person with a lonely heart
And I was hopin' there could one day be
Be a chance for me to...
Get the love that I'd been missin'
Sometimes love takes a long time
But, wait for love and you're gonna get the
Chance to love - wait for love, wait for love
When you take the chance on love you see
It's not a waste of time if you truly believe
The impossible can be
So hold on tight if you think you're right
Cause nothing hurts as bad as when you see
You gave up too easily
Now I remember spending all my time
On a dream that kept me wishing that you could be mine
And I was hopin' there could one day be
Be a chance for me to...
I never stopped believing there could one day be
:wait for love, luther vandross:

where i'll be

One of my secret hideaways is my favorite spa place, which will remain anonymous. I'm selfish, I only share the info to close friends ;)
I've been such a spa addict lately that I'd rather go there than eat! I've been also known to go there as frequently as twice a week, a guilty indulgence. Well, if you sorely need de-stressing like me with nowhere to be and no one to be with, it is really the next best thing. Scratch that, I would rather be at the spa getting pampered than (sometimes) be with someone (especially that someone).
My specialty since college was to discover hideaways like these- places that feed my soul, places that let me heal. It can be anywhere from a quaint coffeshop, a cozy bookstore, a small chapel, a friend's kitchen. I'm happy that I'm able to find these here in Manila. It can only mean one thing- I'm getting settled.
Now that I have own suking masseuse, foot spa/pedicurist, hair-trimmer and stylist and now that the baristas at the nearby coffeshop know me by name, how else can I be but settled?

anyways...

I am reduced to posting songs that currently hit home, for lack of time (and motivation, and writer's block, blah blah blah) to actually write about latest stuff...

so anyways...

I just want everything she's got
You look at her so amazed
I remember way back when you used to look at me that way
Tell me what makes her so much better than me
What makes her just everything that I can never be
What makes her your every dream and fantasy
Because I can't remember when it was me
And now you don't feel the same
I remember you would shiver everytime I said your name
You said nothing felt as good as when you gaze into my eyes
Now you don't care I'm alive
How did we let the fire die

That made you smile
That made you laugh
Even if it makes you happier than you have ever been,
Oh me that was your world (me)
Your kind of girl
Nothing about me has changed
That's why I'm here wondering

:When It Was Me, Paula Deanda:

and she's 2!

happy birthday to my little niece, curlytops :)

at such a young age, she's into vintage bags (see lola's bag from the '60s which i hear is her favorite) and lots of colors and cutesy outfits (see her in her birthday outfit, a pippi longstockings-inspired getup).

hay i miss her, i wish i could just borrow her and whisk her away; i feel like she's so much like a mini-me, it's creepy! of course, i could only be inggit that her mom got such a smart and spunky little girl.

Early was the morn, flowers filled with dew,
I became somebody through loving you
Softly as a child, born in natural rain,
I predict the seasons to go unchanged

Sometimes in life you run across a love unknown,
Without a reason it seems like you belong
Hold on Dear Life don't go off running from what's new
I became somebody through loving you

Warm was the sun that covered my body so
Reminded me of you as I'd first known.
Those were the days, the days, that changed my life
and made me new I became somebody through loving you

As the sun shined down on me
I know with you in love is where I want to be
Sometimes I go on through life
Thinking that love is something that's not meant for me

:Dear Life, Anthony Hamilton, Step Up: