wanted: holiday

It’s been a succession of bad days all around- when everything I do and touch seems to have the opposite effect of Midas touch. Everything I touch instead crumbles and I mess up, all the damn time. Or is it because I am so hard on myself? In any case, I don’t accept excuses, least of all, from myself- so I just go on and on and on, at break-neck speed, not stopping for anything, or anyone.

I just realized though that lately too it’s been easier for me to let go of things I cannot control and not take anything personally- even in the face of (upfront) arrogance, rudeness and conceit. And because of that, I also find it a lot easier to admit to my mistakes- yes, the ones that I actually do and not those blamed on me. Even then, it doesn’t matter because I am able to see it in the most objective of manners. And I no longer have that nagging voice-over that constantly says “I need to be/I should be *fill in the blank*”. Is this borne out of maturity? Is this borne out of the fact that I have grown (a little bit)- no longer insecure (most of the time) in who I am? Then there are bad days, there are worse days, but I am able to bounce back a lot more quickly than before. I figured everybody has those kinds of days. Then I figured out some more that I won’t allow myself such bad days- a bad half-hour, maybe, or a bad couple of hours, at the most. But I won’t allow my whole day to be ruined- I hope its not blind Pollyanna-Positivism schtick. I’d rather focus on getting better, all the time. Just have to keep my eye on the prize- which is mine, all mine, for the picking! Haha. Seriously, it’s important not to lose sight of the whys and hows of things. I figured-yet again, that though NOT perfect and blameless, trying makes the world go ‘round- and makes it all worthwhile. Then the acceptance that I am not perfect, but I try to be my own version (of perfect).

(P.S. I have to remember to make sure that those bad hours do not extend to full-on bad days. Lately it’s been so stressful that my first instinct is to run! As in, get on the treadmill! It’s been such an escape. OR smoke. Sheesh. BUT. I am proud to say, that I haven’t touched a stick since January. J )