rockin' '07

Once in awhile, we let go of pretensions, of fears and unanswered questions. Once in every while, I would think that someone could be the one- well, not the forever kind maybe, but just for a bit, he could be my right now. I am not so fearless as to hope that forever actually exists.

I was talking to a new friend over the Christmas break and he told me that love really comes in the most unexpected of ways. I got what he was saying. I’ve experienced that more than enough times to know that it is true. When I was ok and happy and then unexpectedly, in moments of seeming defenselessness, someone slips through the crack. Well, I did allow them in and always, after, I would ask myself why I chose to do so. Yes, these were my choices and yet, I couldn’t help but wonder; why do they show up when you don’t need them? Life’s funny that way. Well, they do say that you get better with practice and I certainly have had lots of practice the past year.

And then suddenly (or not), I am ok. I am no longer affected by it, I no longer harbor hurt and dashed hopes and pining. Because finally, I can truly say I am happy. I have a lot to hope for, I have a lot to do, and I have my dreams. I cannot claim that I got to this state without a lot of tears and pain. That is just the thing- I needed to be steadied by a hand. I needed to plunge into the deep and reach that place where I can possibly hurt no more. Then, I was comfortably numb and now, for a lack of better word, I am steady. And surprisingly, healed. I pronounced to a friend, I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore. And as soon as I said it out loud, and as soon as he said that he doesn’t believe me as I am such a “die-hard romantic”, I knew too that I didn’t mean it. For now, I believe in other people’s love stories, I believe that it is there for the taking. And I also believe that though it just might not be true for me right now, I am content, happy and excited by the thought of possibilities.

For a time I was scared of losing sight of myself. I thought I had drowned in the pessimism of the world. The spark is back and am happy to have found it again.

I am grateful, I am blessed. I have more than enough- my passions, my dreams, my work. I have all the love I need- for myself, my family, my friends and my God. If somehow, perchance, someone comes along, then he has got to be able to top that. Maybe one day, my dreams will be his dreams, and he’ll find me. Or I’ll find him. Whatever, really. Everything in His perfect time. Right now, Life is really kicking-ass.