Love and All That Jazz

I wrote bits and parts of this sometime this year ('07). I cannot claim one incident (or person) as inspiration (and cause) but this one’s for a couple of friends who I know will really appreciate this post. :)

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I remember the first time I fell in love. At the end of that epic story, relieved that I survived barely unscathed, I suddenly thought, and subsequently wrote down,

“But all I remember is love
When night time creeps up on you, and everything fades away
What is only left of you is nothing but an empty shell of memories
And you struggle to remember, and you can only start to grasp at straws
And you try and try to relive your life again, this time
Slowly
Will you be able to say
All I remember is love?”

Because he has hurt me. So much so that I found it difficult to remember the good times we shared. Or if those times were really ours to begin with. How did I fall for him, despite my many misgivings and the loudest of alarm bells, guised as pieces of advice and concern from well-meaning friends?

It was when I realized your life isn’t your own anymore and when your heart is in his hands- freefalling, in between sadness and euphoria and you can’t decide which one you’re really feeling- and you don’t want to choose. That feeling of displacement of having your happiness depend on another person. That love was madcap mayhem, ubiquitous yet elusive, turning ourselves into ideal visions of us, when in truth, there could never be that.
So all I could really do was to remember the love. It was the only prize I had, knowing that I am capable of giving all that I am, knowing that someday, I could be the very happiness that another wishes for.

rockin' '07

Once in awhile, we let go of pretensions, of fears and unanswered questions. Once in every while, I would think that someone could be the one- well, not the forever kind maybe, but just for a bit, he could be my right now. I am not so fearless as to hope that forever actually exists.

I was talking to a new friend over the Christmas break and he told me that love really comes in the most unexpected of ways. I got what he was saying. I’ve experienced that more than enough times to know that it is true. When I was ok and happy and then unexpectedly, in moments of seeming defenselessness, someone slips through the crack. Well, I did allow them in and always, after, I would ask myself why I chose to do so. Yes, these were my choices and yet, I couldn’t help but wonder; why do they show up when you don’t need them? Life’s funny that way. Well, they do say that you get better with practice and I certainly have had lots of practice the past year.

And then suddenly (or not), I am ok. I am no longer affected by it, I no longer harbor hurt and dashed hopes and pining. Because finally, I can truly say I am happy. I have a lot to hope for, I have a lot to do, and I have my dreams. I cannot claim that I got to this state without a lot of tears and pain. That is just the thing- I needed to be steadied by a hand. I needed to plunge into the deep and reach that place where I can possibly hurt no more. Then, I was comfortably numb and now, for a lack of better word, I am steady. And surprisingly, healed. I pronounced to a friend, I don’t believe in fairy tales anymore. And as soon as I said it out loud, and as soon as he said that he doesn’t believe me as I am such a “die-hard romantic”, I knew too that I didn’t mean it. For now, I believe in other people’s love stories, I believe that it is there for the taking. And I also believe that though it just might not be true for me right now, I am content, happy and excited by the thought of possibilities.

For a time I was scared of losing sight of myself. I thought I had drowned in the pessimism of the world. The spark is back and am happy to have found it again.

I am grateful, I am blessed. I have more than enough- my passions, my dreams, my work. I have all the love I need- for myself, my family, my friends and my God. If somehow, perchance, someone comes along, then he has got to be able to top that. Maybe one day, my dreams will be his dreams, and he’ll find me. Or I’ll find him. Whatever, really. Everything in His perfect time. Right now, Life is really kicking-ass.

i heart marc

randomness

Say hey! to my raccoon-eyes. My eyebags aren't even LVs. Heh- inside, corny joke.

I knew it! Not-so-good drivers are just not my thing. Strange criteria of mine: he must know how to drive well. Maybe in a later post, I'll get into more detail.

Time to swim and spa!

Lots of great things happening, lots to look forward to.
Steady lang, though.

I love, love hotel living.

I found another potential heaven-space.

Happy new year, sweeties!

Be safe ;)

When were you most happy?
Now.
When were you least happy?
Now.

:Almásy and Katharine,
The English Patient:

because they make a very lovely point, di bala?

lost without you

"I think I am a missing person"

This man suddenly turns up after five years of being lost. Amazing! Oh, the stories he could tell! (That is, if he was really, truly missing...)

and am officially broken hearted...

waaah! :(
*sigh*

Superman weds his 'Kryptonite'

In June, Brandon said she was his own personal Kryptonite and added:
“She brings me to my knees.”

They met in a bowling alley.

My gas. He is such a gorgeous, gorgeous man.
Lucky biy...erm, girl. Haha.

More on this story here.

...and it was only last year I blogged about him.

soulmate

too bad, can't paste it here from youtube.
really nice video treatment.

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Incompatible, it don't matter though
’Coz someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
is already in my life?
right in front of me
or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
how do I find the perfect fit
there's enough for everyone
but I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
who knows how to love you without being told
somebody tell me why I'm on my own
if there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

:natasha bedingfield:

a sorta fairytale

on my way up north
up on the ventura
i pulled back the hood
and i was talking to you
and i knew then it would be
a life long thing
but i didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
things you said that day
up on the 101
the girl had come undone
i tried to downplay it
with a bet about us
you said that-
you'd take it
as long as i could
i could not erase it
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
and i ride along side
and i rode along side
you then
and i rode along side
till you lost me there
in the open road
and i rode along side
till the honey spread
itself so thin
for me to break your bread
for me to take your word
i had to steal it
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
i could pick back up
whenever i feel
down new mexico way
something about
the open road
i knew that he was
looking for some indian blood and
find a little in you find a little
in me we may be
on this road but
we're just
impostors
in this country you know
so we go along and we said
we'd fake it
feel better with
oliver stone
till i
almost smacked him -
seemed right that night and
i don't know what
takes hold
out there in the
desert cold
these guys think they must
try and just get over on us
and i'm so sad
like a good book
i can't put this
day back
a sorta fairytale
with you
a sorta fairytale
with you
and i was ridin' by
ridin' along side
for a while till you lost me
and i was ridin' by
ridin' along till you lost me
till you lost
me in
the rear
view
you lost me
i said
way up north i took my day
all in all was a pretty nice
day and i put the hood
right back where
you could taste heaven
perfectly
feel out the summer breeze
didn't know when we'd be back
and i, i don't
didn't think
we'd end up like
like this

material girl

Truthfully, with all the things going down right now, I really don't feel like it's Christmas- yet. True to form, I am determined to be in the holiday spirit soon, no matter what it takes. In the meantime, cruisin' websites and as long as am making a wishlist, bahala na- aka, libre ang mangarap. :)

1- The Maggie tote bag, distressed to perfection. A bag that'll only look better with time. Not from a new collection, but it looks great. From Rafe.

2- An LV agenda. Never na that I just might bastard it by posting multi-colored Post-its and using colored pens. And oh, an LV calling card holder.

3- A year's subscription of Cosmo, Vogue, Time and Communication Arts.

4- THE MacBook Pro. 'Nuff said.

5- Leica M8 for pretty pictures and Nikon D80 for work.
(and here my heart beats faster, just writing this down. haha, loser.)

6- Forever 21 pretty blouses and even prettier bling.


7- Nars complete make-up set.

8- GCs for Powerbooks, the spa and Rustan's.

9- A beach out of town trip.

10- A room make-over.

Oh well, towards the end of the list, tinamad na ako.
And now the question is, have I been naughty or nice this year?

hmm...anyways, materially yours.