When someone says there’s a perfect rhyme and reason for everything, did they say you would recognize it when you hear it? Did they say you would stumble upon it one day when you weren’t looking?
Because frankly, though I believe and have faith in whatever’s planned for me, there are just days that I can’t really see the point of it all. When I can’t see the point of running around, of looking for what, most people don’t even know.
Most people live for love and they endure because they have been loved truly and fully. But what of those the rest of humanity not blessed enough? Where do we find strength and what well do we draw from?
The hardest part is trying to understand why I was allowed to feel this way; I am trying not to complain, I’m just questioning. If that is a bad thing, if that reflects poorly on my faith, then I am sorry to seem so faithless but just this once, I pray for clarity, for knowing.
I know that He knows what is in my heart- even as I pray I am not sure if what I pray for is what He means for me. How can what I want and pray for with all my heart seem so wrong? I pray for nothing but happiness and the simplicity of loving, but why doesn’t it seem that I deserve any of that?
Yes, one day I know I’ll understand but for now, allow me to question, allow me the hurt, allow me these tears because I know nothing else but pain. In the whole scheme of things, I am but one infinitesimal speck in the universe and my pain is but one teeny snap of a rubber band on a giant’s arm- but what pain is this when there is not one dose of happiness that I hope for?
What is so wrong with this picture?
It is not right for one to depend your happiness one someone else- I have been used to being alone and yet he has managed to wedge himself into a space in my heart so that taking it out would mean taking me apart too.
I have trusted that everything happens for a reason and yet, I have yet to see what these reasons are. Maybe the answers are there but I’m just too myopic-and stubborn- to see.
I have believed in countless of possibilities, but have yet to see that things are possible.
But I cling on to hope, to faith because I know of nothing else to do.
Right now, as I am sure of the love I feel, I also feel hollow.
With each pronouncement, I seem to make it more final, truer than it could have ever been had I just kept the knowledge within me.
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