brain candy fluff

1. My uncle once: had a collection of guns and ammo in his room, with a bodyguard to boot.

2. Never in my life: have I cheated on someone. Hello, karma.

3. When I was five: I would stay at the bathtub for a long time, imagining I’d become a mermaid.

4. High School is/was: fun, weird, crazy and awkward.

5. My parents are: cool and relatively young.

6. I once met: Aladdin, who wanted to be a priest. In high school. (haha yikes I still remember that guy!)

7. There's this girl I know who: got so freaked out that she got drunk and puked her guts out.

8. Once, at a bar: I was with friends, and I actually didn’t feel like dancing.

9. Last night: I talked to friends, cleaned my room, tried to read but fell asleep.

10. Next time I go to church: will probably be simbang gabi.

11. When I turn my head left, I see: green

12. When I turn my head right, I see: my bag, my phone

13. How many days until my birthday?: roughly 90 days

14. If I was a character written by Shakespeare I'd be: Imogen

15. By this time next year: I will be working in publishing, making good my promise to be relatively on my way to succeed in writing/PR. And, oh, I will have taken that SE Asian backpacking trip, with or without him.

16. A better name for me would be: Jade Therese. Because I like it.

17. I have a hard time understanding: people who cannot seem to commit and live by their choices.

18. If I ever go back to school I: will finally enroll in that creative writing or photography class.

19. You know I like you if: I keep on talking to you.

20. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: what award? Haha. My parents, friends. The usual suspects.

21. Take my advice: seize each day as if it’s the last!

22. My ideal breakfast is: aaargh! Breakfast in bed :) perfectly fluffy pancakes, crisp bacon, orange juice and dark chocolate. In PJs, watching cartoons.

23. If you visit my hometown: you’ll love the beaches.

24. Why won't someone: just say what they mean, mean what they say.

25. If you spend the night at my house: you’ll have to be up for anything :)

26. I'd stop my wedding: for nothing! Just weeding out all the jerks and monsters I’ve dated makes the day worth it. Haha.

27. The world could do without: war and idiocy.

28. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: waaaaht? I couldn’t think of anything yuckier right now. Ewwwww.

29. Paper clips are more useful than: someone I know. Haha. Meanie.

30. If I do anything well, it is: Loving. Heeh.

the invitation

this is actually a repost, from an old blog. well, still holds very true to this day.

---------------
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dreams, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own; if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true; I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it is not pretty every day, and if you can source your life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours or mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are, or how you came to be here- I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

:Oriah Mountain Dreamer
From Dreams of Desire, 1995
by Oriah House. All Rights Reserved.
Published by Mountain Dreaming:

baby, let's get lost

Was channel surfing on my down time late last night when I saw this video of Michael Buble's Lost. Lovely concept, beautiful song. Haaay am such a sucker for all things romantic.

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away
'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost

I've been meaning to post this song; I think it's so bittersweet :)
---------
I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

:Rascal Flatts, My Wish:

can i just say

being busy is not an excuse for being rude!

nakuuu...these people talaga...

and then there were...2.5?

1- very good on paper, but in truth, very ambivalent
2- vietnamese AND french
3- one transplanted, out of reach; one relatively close and convenient
4- the other a bit sketchy, but connection and consistency is there
5- ... then again, who's complaining? ;)

If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time. (Proust)

This dream is all too-consuming that it scares me
but at the same time, there is a rightness to it.

Hey, nothing ever worth doing is that easy.

Good luck adik talaga.

rescue me

finally got to watch my super ex-girlfriend. funny and cute enough, brain candy. nice soundtrack.

--------------
everytime i close my eyes i'm dreaming super natural
i don't know where i've been all year
all the way to romeo and back again and here we go
when i just wanted you to stay

she was born to love him yeah
but she's still waiting for him up on that ledge above him

baby, rescue me from my dreams
and from my secret identity
just wake me from my sleep
would you please
just fall out of the sky and rescue me

all i want to be with you why is that impossible
i only see you disappear
i know you've got a lot to do the whole wide world just wait for you
and baby i'll be waiting too

he was born to love her yeah
it's right there to discover
flying so high above her

and earth will be our home
and sky our starry dome
and the only super power here that makes us strong and kills the fear
only super power here is love
and the only super power here is love

:rachel robinson, rescue me
super ex-girlfriend ost:

By being that way, do you think that will solve everything and give you all that you aspire for? What does it leave you but with less than what was meant for you?

--------------

If one way doesn't work, isn't it about time you try another tack?
Too much drama makes for a lifetime movie. Not pretty.

perfect

I really cannot fathom why some people can seem to get so stuck in their ways and beliefs that it just absolutely freezes them, roots them to the spot - to the point that maybe, it is not even comfort and security that makes them stay, but fear.

Fear, I undertstand too well. What works for me though, is using that fear to just go about and do things that I want to do, because I am more scared of NOT realizing possibilities than just staying safe in my pretty painted corner. Life is not safe! People die sleeping! So why should my choices be plain and boring? (Cliche alert!) Life is way too short to spend being safe. I'm glad I'm stronger now (emotionally) to take more calculated risks. Granted, it hasn't been easy, but maybe because my dreams are bigger than my life, it just inspires me to do better everyday.

That said, I can never be with someone who cannot see possibilities (in life) and worse, someone who refuses to do something about it- deadma passivity ba.
(Thanks Ms.Lim for always asking us- Do you like the feeling? What are you doing about it? hehe)


Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

:Alanis Morissette, Perfect, circa chupets days when I would lock myself in my room and sing all her songs -on tape, side A and B. Haha:

more thanksgiving

while I'm still perky :)
I'm thankful for

1- a great job, and great future/dream job prospects
2- skills and talents for those great job prospects
3- great friends- imperfect, flawed, kooky and crazy as we all are but well-loved. also, old friends that I miss but still get to say hi to once in awhile.
4- new friends! exploring beyond my safe zone, and being delightfully surprised ;)
5- getting through this year
6- family. enough said.
7- myself. should be reminded to be thankful for the gift of self, for getting better, stronger
8- new ventures, adventures- gecko
9-
10-

hmm...na-oOC ako, this has to be 10 items. I'll try to think of some more.

my feel good song for the day

Speak- say the words that no one else will ever say
Love- love like the world we know is over in a day

I'm gonna show you a love in every language
I'm gonna speak with the words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

You're beautiful and I am weakened by the force of your eyes
So shine bright to separate the truth from the lies
I'm gonna show you love

I'm gonna show you a love in every language
I'm gonna speak with the words that need no form
I'm gonna give you what you never had before

So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect
No, I won't regret to let love do what love will let
We can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea
This is the cost of being free

:jars of clay, show you love:

The best character-building experience anyone could ever have is when everything seems to be going wrong, and yet you find something to be grateful for.

I was thinking about my list and Christmas wishes when it dawned to me, isn’t it time I start granting my own wishes? Why wait?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

it's called space

People cannot seem to understand that I need to see things on my own terms. They come up with solutions, well meaning and with good intentions, but all one needs is breathing space. And then they try to interpret whatever they think is wrong. Surprising as it may sound, I can be quite simple to get. Why take things personally, when the world, after all, does not revolve around you?

It seems am ready for the next big step but it certainly doesn't feel that way. I am not one to convince people that I'm on to something good- I don't want to seek approval and I loathe having to explain myself. Nobody owns my thoughts, nobody owes me any explanations.

Strange, when one is happy, overwhelmingly positive and content, that's the time people drag you down.

Playing mind games is so high school. College, at best. I am done with toxic city and by far, the best gift I've given myself is to disengage, detach. I've learned that the best way to handle things is to be clear and honest- then again, I think that backfired for a bit and didn't solve anything much. So now that we know that, what we can really just control is how we look within us for both the source of difficulty and the solution. Being reactive never solved anything.

Becoming still, untangling webs and unprocessed emotions take time and space. The more I learn to do this, the less I get bothered by other people's dramas. There's only one room for a drama queen and we all know who she is. Haha.

because i can!

...and you can just screw your F*#@(&)#@**&#@ off and I don't actually give a flyin' f*ck.

mwahaha.
wala lang, it just feels so damn good not to care.

and to this, strangely enough, is my soundtrack-

I'm tired of overthinking, I know you don't belong
Now am asking questions- no one pushes me around*

I know, because when am good, I can be so all-girls convent-bred good, but when I need to be bad, oh boy, I can be so bad.

Because I can.

If standing up for yourself makes you a bitch, then fine. (And a nice smattering of swear words just does the trick, aimed at that nothingness, that void that does not, cannot talk back.)


Cheerios!
------------------
*I Do, Lisa Loeb

the audacity of hope*

delayed post, nov 8 @ gateway

On Nov 2, an 11 year old killed herself not because she was poor, but because she lost hope. Hope is what killed her- not hunger, not pain, not her unanswered prayer.
The absence of the very fuel of your blood- hope- that traitorous drug of choice- how we cling on to it. The fuel that drives our dreams may just be the fuel that drives our very lives.

To hope takes more strength than one could ever have in your lifetime. We live day to day in hopes of something better- a better job, better lover, better everything. And yet, it is the circumstance of losing that grip that drives people to a silent desperation.
Listen- in the grand scheme of things, be grateful that you have so much to hope for, because it is all that matters.

*I chanced upon a headline in Business Mirror of the same title. Hmm. Well I wrote it first.

from little manhattan

Maybe not everything is supposed to last forever. Certain things are like, like sky writing, like a really beautiful thing that lasts for a couple moments and then - you know? I know honey, love sucks.(Leslie)

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there. (Gabe)

See, this is just like I told you. Same thing I knew getting into this whole mess - love ends.

You come into this world alone and leave it the exact same way.

Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake. The truth is there's gonna be other girls out there. I mean, I hope, but I'm never gonna get another first love. That one's always gonna be her.

comfortably numb

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Come on, now
I hear you're feeling down
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again
Relax
I need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb
Ok
Just a little pinprick
There'll be no more ...Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show
Come on it's time to go
There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb

:dar williams:

love is les chocolaterie

urbanity vanity

Woke up early today for a client ocular visit out of town. Not particularly excited and happy-doodle as this trip equals work. The only way am going to call a road trip, well, a trip, is if it involves beaches, friends and happy songs en route. But then, ok, still thankful for this opportunity – for what am not quite sure yet. Right now, it’s about an hour past noon time in a surprisingly cozy dining place in our project complex. Am not quite sure yet why am here, I don’t think I’m even going to break-even or turn a good profit but as all business go, there is always the possibility of more projects as a result of this pitch. Dealing with clients is new to me, and what I’ve learned about corporate politics isn’t much help in this area. Clients do have their peculiarities and what’s even more fun (!) is that they don’t actually come from the same segment! Right now, it’s come one, come all mode and we can’t yet afford to be choosy. Hmm… there is something wrong with this picture. If we want to build gecko as a brand, we cannot be everything to everyone. But as I’ve said, we’re still building the business and we cannot –as yet- afford to be selective. The idea here for now, is to spread the word- by all means necessary.

While I can rough it out with the best of them, vacation-wise, here are signs that I am now officially a certified city mutt who cannot live without the trappings of technology and modern urban vanities-

1. I cannot function without my coffee. Kopiko and vendo on average days, Sumatra on lucky days and non fat mocha extra shot on rough days.
2. I itch to go online and check and send messages. My excuse is that I have to log on so I could write. Ha, maybe. But really, life –and work- is so much easier to go about as long as everyone’s online. Hehe.
3. The comforts of airconditioning. Seriously, when am working I get to be OC and I want to make sure that everything is all clean and orderly, or else I’ll spend half the time arranging and re-arranging everything to my liking. That’s for when am writing and have to think in my own-world manner- photo shoots are an entirely different story.

Speaking of coffee-

It’s just about after lunch now and I’m seriously hallucinating from caffeine-deprivation. I asked for a cup from this cozy little joint in the middle of nowhere and I was told they didn’t have any…. Whaat?.... I would have just settled for a 3-in-one. But! Alas! In my Mary Poppins bag, I unearth a pack of Kopiko and heavens behold, a sachet of Equal! Waaah I haven’t been this thankful for coffee! Hah- here’s to my friends teasing me for always lugging a big bag!

my future space

...more or less. so wanting my own happy place.

in more ways than one.

Tired from out of town, having tea and reading and I overhear this bunch of oldies talking about love, marriage, polygamy, men in general and... swinging. Yeap.

Go, grannies.

Maybe I don’t have the (psychic) energy to love him anymore. Maybe I should just be using whatever strength I have in healing, in moving on. Because, ok kiddies, we’ve been here before, we’ve tried this and it didn’t work. Fair enough, it’s time to try another road. This time, this should lead right back to me.

what is nothing.

nothingness is maybe freedom

nothingness may just be my one-way ticket out

nothing more, nothing less.

emptiness.

this takes time to get used to,
this dead space.

Ok, here we go.

This is SO over. Period.

Fini. Terminar. Finito.

No more what ifs, no more unanswered questions, no more maybes.

Alas, it was the pain that had no name.

But as in all things good, it was nice while it lasted. I am still thankful it happened, I feel blessed to have a slice of that memory tucked away for future reminiscing. One day, I will look back and say; yeah I was crazy for allowing myself to feel, but I would have been crazier not to have acknowledged that.

So there, thank God I came out of that still believing (in love).

start wishing now

Even if it’s been a difficult year- as in Adult difficult – I still find it within myself to wish for magic. Yes folks, I already have my Christmas wishes all drawn up – and yes, just like that ubiquitous, cheesy holiday ditty- it IS a grown-up Christmas wish. Ha- nilalait ko pa lahat ng holiday songs but let’s face it- I am such a sucker for love and all things romantic. Hey, I was born a drama queen.

Instead of listing down my wishes though, I'll just keep it to myself. Just whispered, really, out into the universe, or else they’ll be heard by dreamsnatchers and they’ll be gone before it ever has the chance of coming true.

cue yellow, coldplay

I woke up with the dawn today, something I haven’t done in a long time. As I gazed out my window, I saw the last star of the night. And although the day was edging him out, he still shone as brightly as he could. I stared at him for as long as I could, until he had to go. I gazed at it until the blue sky faded into paler hues, until streaks of pink and lavender-gray eased gently eased him out and birds started singing.

And I know, even as my star had to go, he will be back.

And I know better now, I know that I will be ok. True, I will still feel the pain now and then, I will still wonder at times. But I will not live with the “what-if.”

And I am thankful for yet another lesson to be stronger.

---------------------------------------

Postscript- November 13, 2007

Ha- guess what. I have woken up early and gotten to work by at least 7 am for a couple of days now. Nothing extraordinary about that except that I get to bed by around 2.30 am and my mind doesn’t quiet down until 3 am. Oh well, the more clients, the merrier. I just wish for less bickering and more helping one another, less ulterior motives and more disclosure.

vacationing in green

Thanks to our generous hosts, Ahia, Kat and silly little Giana, we got to spend the night at their farm in Antipolo over the long weekend.

Disclaimer- pics not real, because someone forgot to bring the camera battery charger... :P

It was a lazy, idyllic mini-vacation as we did nothing but kwento, dvds and roaming around the farm, trying to scare melai. It was such a huge piece of land, with chicken houses (is that what it’s called?) and several pig "apartments" at the other side, with snake sightings every now and then ( I say snakes in a cavalier manner because we didn’t actually see them, thank you). I think it's really admirable how they make the farm so productive and how they manage it- the logistics, I imagine, is such a nightmare! well, granted, I don't have the inclination for it. All I could see everywhere were great shoot locations. Hehe.

There were butterflies everywhere and everything was just so peacefully simple. The air was nippy-cold and it kind of brought on a Christmasy feeling to me, especially after the fireworks display at the memorial park. I had fun especially with silly little Giana who's so smart and talkative for her age. She loved her little puppy but wouldn't even make pansin the other one who was sadly rejected and not allowed to go inside the house- not you! she says. And I did learn from her that Humpty Dumpty could be glued together, after all. :)

One of the best part though was the yummy little nap I had in the duyan. Kind of vertigo-inducing for a bit, but when I got used to it, I had one of the most satisying naps ever. I remember when I was about 7 or 8, I would spend most of my summer days in our backyard duyan underneath the iba tree, while I read my Archie comic books and Sweet Valley Twins. Now, whenever I think of a restful sleep, I crave for the duyan.

And it was just so lovely to witness our hosts, a young couple with the little girl, who seems to have everything going for them. I found another inspiring relationship to look up to, the other one being my granduncle and aunt who've been together more than 50 years.

Well, someday.

For now, the smell of grass and the nostalgia of nature will always be in my mind when my soul needs to rest.

the rain don't last

Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...
Could it be the world's gone colder?
Baby, I'm a losing soul
The more I try it just gets harder
And my pain is getting old
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours.

And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

Sometimes my burdens get so heavy
And it seems too hard to bear
Sometimes I feel so empty
And it feels like no one's there
Somebody said that nothing lasts forever
Just the storm so I've been told
But it seems that when it rains it pours

And you know the rain won't last forever
And you know the storm won't always flow
But if the sun don't shine forever
You gotta let it go

And you gotta let it go...
And you gotta let it go...
Mmmm... Mmm... oohhmmm...

:hope:

randomness

1. Do you still talk to the
person you last had a thing for?
-haha yeap

2. Have you ever seen your friend cry?
-a select few :)

3 Do you miss anyone?
-strangely, yes

4. What is the last thing you ate?
-a piece of chocolate

5 . Did you get any compliments today?
-yeap, well at least i thought that was a compliment :)

6. Have you ever gone to court?
-yeap, to visit

7. Whats the seventh text message in
your inbox say?
-a prayer, from a good friend

8. Are you friends with your
-i don't know any of my neighbors hehe

9. What cities have you lived in?
-davao, tacloban, cebu, zamboanga, baguio, manila

10. What's the last piercing you got?
-ears

11. When was the last time you drove
more than 15 minutes?
-i don't drive

12. Have you ever thrown up from
drinking?
-yeah, but only once! haha

13 . Are you scared to die?
-nope.

14. Why are or aren't you scared of
death?
-more than death, am more scared of not
being able to do/accomplish
that I want to

15. Toilet papered someone's house?
-huh? no, i guess

16. Have you ever had a crush on your
brother or sister's friends?
- nope

17 . Have you ever gone to a beach?
-duh.

18. Do you remember your music
teacher's name from elementary school?
-erm... no, sorry. i do remember ms. alix
from high school though

19. How good is your eyesight?
-am nearsighted

20. Would you ever want to swim with
the sharks?
-baby sharks ok?

21 . What would you say if I told you I
was in love with your brother?
-not a problem

22. Have you seen your best friend(s)
naked?
-haha yes

23. What's the best shower party you've
been to?
-haven't been to a lot, so i guess the last one
which was gracie's

24. Would your parents be mad if you
got arrested for fighting?
-yeah, though i couldn't imagine
getting arrested

25. Do you have a Honda, Toyota or
Nissan?
-someday, a honda

26. What did you do last night?
-yoga, read, write/work, some tv
before sleep.

27. What's the last dream you can
remember?
-the one i always think about before i
drift off

And in other, happier news-

Yes folks, after six years with my current company, I have decided to leave to pursue my passions. The past year has been difficult but in gratitude, I bring with it priceless lessons.

I am not yet at the liberty to talk about what’s keeping me horribly, excitingly sleepless and busy for the past month. It’s a lot like love, actually ;)

The kilig feeling I get whenever great ideas are tossed around and slowly becoming into reality; the sleepless nights, the bickering, the great stretch of patience we need with each other, making up, inspiring and making each other better, the risks involved and yet we still continue to do it because we believe in it. Yes yet again people, this one’s a baby project that I am totally in love with, because it is the combined passion and creative genius of people I’ve grown close to. Well, sali din ako sa passion and creativity :) Believe it or not, clients actually like my photographs!

Ok, I’ve said more than enough but I am just so damn excited, it’s so difficult NOT to write about it.

That leaves my last quarter of the year for yet another adventure- new job hunting, this time, in a career for keeps. Alas, I still cannot write much about it here, baka ma-usog. Haha. Let’s just say I’ve lined up several possibilities that are in the realm of DREAM JOB, which we all know, will lead to DREAM LIFE. Hehe.

In retrospect-

Around this time last year, I moved to a new place with the intention of starting a new business. Check. Getting over someone, um…check. Having someone new, not quite yet. Unlearning...getting there. Meeting more people, getting out of my world, SO CHECK. I didn’t quite sign up for new adventures, but here I am.

Last year, I moved places and switched jobs. A year later, moving towards something new yet again and hooking up with that dream job.

I could be a commitment-phobe with an attention span of a wasp, but I’d rather you call me adventurous. Because all these are scaring the shit out of me, in that butterflies in the tummy feeling that each step I take is now finally a move towards something I really dream of.

So, there IS a lot to hope for, isn’t it?

(More on dreams and what it takes, another post)

fireflies chasing stars

When someone says there’s a perfect rhyme and reason for everything, did they say you would recognize it when you hear it? Did they say you would stumble upon it one day when you weren’t looking?

Because frankly, though I believe and have faith in whatever’s planned for me, there are just days that I can’t really see the point of it all. When I can’t see the point of running around, of looking for what, most people don’t even know.

Most people live for love and they endure because they have been loved truly and fully. But what of those the rest of humanity not blessed enough? Where do we find strength and what well do we draw from?

The hardest part is trying to understand why I was allowed to feel this way; I am trying not to complain, I’m just questioning. If that is a bad thing, if that reflects poorly on my faith, then I am sorry to seem so faithless but just this once, I pray for clarity, for knowing.

I know that He knows what is in my heart- even as I pray I am not sure if what I pray for is what He means for me. How can what I want and pray for with all my heart seem so wrong? I pray for nothing but happiness and the simplicity of loving, but why doesn’t it seem that I deserve any of that?

Yes, one day I know I’ll understand but for now, allow me to question, allow me the hurt, allow me these tears because I know nothing else but pain. In the whole scheme of things, I am but one infinitesimal speck in the universe and my pain is but one teeny snap of a rubber band on a giant’s arm- but what pain is this when there is not one dose of happiness that I hope for?

What is so wrong with this picture?

It is not right for one to depend your happiness one someone else- I have been used to being alone and yet he has managed to wedge himself into a space in my heart so that taking it out would mean taking me apart too.

I have trusted that everything happens for a reason and yet, I have yet to see what these reasons are. Maybe the answers are there but I’m just too myopic-and stubborn- to see.
I have believed in countless of possibilities, but have yet to see that things are possible.
But I cling on to hope, to faith because I know of nothing else to do.

Right now, as I am sure of the love I feel, I also feel hollow.

With each pronouncement, I seem to make it more final, truer than it could have ever been had I just kept the knowledge within me.

Here is my song for the asking
Ask me and I will play
So sweetly, I'll make you smile

This is my tune for the taking
Take it, don't turn away
I've been waiting all my life

Thinking it over, I've been sad
Thinking it over, I'd be more than glad
To change my ways for the asking

Ask me and I will play
All the love that I hold inside

simon & garfunkel!
:song for the asking: